Director: Chelsea Stardust
Cast: Hayley Griffith, Ruby Modine, Jerry O’Connell, Rebecca Romijn, Arden Myrin, A.J. Bowen, Jordan Ladd, Jeff Daniel Phillips, Michael Polish, Hannah Stocking, Whitney Moore, Skeeta Jenkins, Mike E. Winfield
Screenplay: Grady Hendrix
85 mins. Not Rated.
There were a few elements that brought Satanic Panic to my attention. Firstly, national treasure Clarke Wolfe appears in the film, someone I’ve been a fan of in the movie punditry space for awhile. Then, there was the Walmart controversy, where they made new slipcovers for the film’s home video release that just called it PANIC (trust me, satanic cults are the least dangerous thing waiting for you in a Walmart). Finally, there was an interview with director Chelsea Stardust (All That We Destroy) on the terrific podcast Post Mortem. Combined, I knew eventually it would enter my circle, and finally it has, so let’s break it all down and see if this panic is warranted.
Samantha (Hayley Griffith, They/Them) is struggling to make ends meet as she delivers pizzas and desperately hopes for tips. She takes a delivery for Mill Basin, an upscale neighborhood, near the end of her night and when she gets stiffed on tip money, she decides to go back and get her hard-earned cash. What she doesn’t expect, though, is that the house she’s delivered to is full of Satanic cultists all looking to summon the deity Baphomet from the womb of a virgin, and what they quickly realize is that Sam happens to be a virgin, something of which the cultists are in short supply.
Satanic Panic starts out well enough. Sam is a likable protagonist who is relatable and mostly charming. She’s a virgin being sought for sacrifice who isn’t written, directed or performed as a traditionally cliché version of the character. Griffith is effervescent in the lead role, as are a number of the supporting players like Ruby Modine (Happy Death Day) as the other kidnapped sacrifice Judi and Rebecca Romijn (X-Men: First Class) as the cult leader Danica.
The narrative begins strong enough, with a lighthearted and satirical view of its central premise and introducing a likable lead. In fact, the first act of the film is quite engaging. As it progresses into the second act, the middle chunk of the film gets pretty sloggy and repetitive. There are several pieces of that middle section that could be skipped altogether without affecting the narrative, seemingly only there to pad the run time. The story improves for a comfortable and enjoyable enough finale, but by then I wasn’t all that invested. It’s a shame because I quite enjoy the writing of Grady Hendrix (Iron Fists and Kung Fu Kicks) in his prose work, but Satanic Panic runs out of steam at several intervals.
Satanic Panic has a few winning elements in its cast and a few great scenes, but it gets bogged down searching for forward thrust in its narrative as the film goes on. Still, there’s promise, and while I cannot recommend this movie, I’d like to see what these creatives do next.
2.5/5
-Kyle A. Goethe
PS: We’re not done with the 31 Days of Horror this year, as I got hit with several rough personal emergencies where I didn’t get time to put into these movies. I’m not a quitter, though, and I want you to know that we’re finishing this damn thing even if it kills me, so look for the rest of these 31 Days as we move into November with some scattered reviews of new releases as we close out the year. Thanks. K.A.G.
GOAT Film Reviews 
Leave a comment