Director: Jake Kasdan
Cast: Dwayne Johnson, Chris Evans, Lucy Liu, J.K. Simmons
Screenplay: Chris Morgan
124 mins. Rated PG-13 for action, some violence, and language.

If not liking Red One puts me on the naughty list, so be it.

When Santa Claus (J.K. Simmons, La La Land) is kidnapped by a nefarious shadow crew, it becomes up to head of security Callum Drift (Dwayne Johnson, Moana), one day from retirement, to retrieve him, but where to start? When he comes into contact with hacker-for-hire Jack O’Malley (Chris Evans, Knives Out), who unwittingly provided the kidnappers with the means to stage the assault on the North Pole, the two begrudgingly team up to save Santa…and Christmas.

I’d almost accuse the filmmakers of using AI to craft this screenplay, but that would be a disservice to the “Red Sleigh Down” episode of South Park, which has to have been the basis for Red One. I’m usually such a fan and defender of Jake Kasdan (Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle) as a director, as he consistently surprises me, even when the trailers or marketing do nothing for me. Unfortunately, Red One is as mediocre as its posters and trailers suggest.

The North Pole is a mixture of Thor’s Asgard and Black Panther’s Wakanda, the reindeer use bifrost, and Callum Drift has kind-of Ant-Man abilities. Actors perform in front of noticeable green screen, and all the characters are in tremendous shape (yet another J.K. Simmons bulk-up that doesn’t necessitate it). So much of this film felt like attempts at doing Marvel without Marvel.

I’m very much looking forward to a time when Dwayne Johnson decides to start playing characters once again. For years now, he’s just been playing The Rock in a movie, and it’s gotten tiresome and old. I figured Kasdan could pull a better performance from him, given that the last interesting acting he’d done had been in the Jumanji sequels, but alas, nope. He’s just playing The Rock again, and it seems like he has another “I-can’t-lose-a-fight” contracts once again.

At least J.K. Simmons is wonderful, but he’s only in the movie for fifteen or so minutes, and he’s not given much to work with. He does have the best sequence in the film, though, a montage of gift-giving styled to look like an action scene. He and Chris Evans are doing the best they can, but even Evans is given some terrible writing, to the point that Jack O’Malley becomes unlikable. Do you know how hard you have to work to get Chris Evans to be unlikable.

Red One just feels like two hours of missed opportunity. There’s no interesting explanation or mythology given for the North Pole setup, most of the plot points are obvious a few scenes in advance, and they don’t even take full example of the story they have. For example, in one sequence, Jack is taken into custody in a crate, but couldn’t they have used a big red box with a bow and ribbon, to make him look like a gift? It’s a small example, but Red One wastes it’s potential and creates plot conveniences when it needs to.

Red One’s biggest naughty act is its insistence on playing the material as straight and serious as possible. Everyone is way too serious in the film, and with very few jokes actually landing, this felt like a action/fantasy/comedy where the team involved just forgot to add FUN to the equation.

I so wanted to be surprised by Red One, but it’s a bland film at best and a deeply unpleasant experience at its worst. At least it has a mildly successful message for the holiday season and a solid Santa portrayal from Simmons, but it’s not enough to make up for all its faults. This idea deserves better and so do you.

2/5
-Kyle A. Goethe

For my review of Jake Kasdan’s Sex Tape, click here.
For my review of Jake Kasdan’s Jumanji: The Next Level, click here.