Tag: The Other Woman

[31 Days of Horror Part V: A New Beginning] Day 6 – Birdemic 2: The Resurrection (2013)

Director: James Nguyen

Cast: Alan Bagh, Whitney Moore, Thomas Favaloro, Patsy van Ettinger, Chelsea Turnbo, Brittany N. Pierce, Thuan Luu, Aaron Pressburg, Sam Hyde

Screenplay: James Nguyen

90 mins. Not Rated.

 

So, took me some time to see Birdemic 2: The Resurrection. It’s not what I didn’t want to see it. I watch the first film just about every single year during October. It’s just a tough film to find when you don’t really want to spend money on it. Well, spend enough time searching on streaming apps and you will find true happiness…and also Birdemic 2.

Birdemic 2 picks up some time after the original with Rod (Alan Bagh, Highway to Havasu, The Mad Whale) and Nathalie (Whitney Moore, House of Demons, Another Yeti a Love Story: Life on the Streets) living their best lives together. Actually, they really don’t catch up that much as we are somehow focused on a worse version of them with Bill (Thomas Favaloro) and Gloria (Chelsea Turnbo, The Other Woman, Del Playa). Bill is Rod’s new friend (and maybe clone). Well, we focus on these four until the birds start attacking for no reason. It’s not the same birds this time around (yes it is). This time, they are prehistoric eagle things. And there are zombies. Because of course there are.

Several movie groups have voted Birdemic 2 as the #1 most unwatchable movie of all time, and I can’t disagree with them on that. This is horseshit. Seriously, I cannot stand watching this movie. This is one I cannot even suggest to others for a bad horror movie night. This comes from a guy that regularly pushes the original Birdemic on other people. I unabashedly hate this movie.

Everything is worse here, from the people to the plot. The most heinous crime is somehow believing that director James Nguyen (Julie and Jack, Replica) can both learn from his mistakes and become self-aware enough to grow out of them. Everything plays out the exact same way but a storyteller with more tact would be able to use this to make a more enjoyable so-bad-it’s-good experience. Birdemic 2 is more along the lines of so-bad-it’s-somehow-even-worse-and-it-keeps-getting-worse-as-it-goes-on-and-oh-great-here’s-the-treehugger-from-the-first-movie-what-purpose-does-he-even-serve-here. Yeah, that bad.

I guess I did it to myself, thinking that I could enjoy this movie. I deserve this. But if there’s a silver lining, and I guess there is, it’s that I may have saved you from this horrible fate. It’s the thought that you wouldn’t subject yourself to…

What are you doing?

No. Don’t watch it.

No!

NO!

NOOOOO!

 

0/5

-Kyle A. Goethe

 

 

For my review of James Nguyen’s Birdemic: Shock and Terror, click here.

 

For more Almighty Goatman,

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Sex Tape (2014)

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Director: Jake Kasdan

Cast: Cameron Diaz, Jason Segel, Rob Corddry, Ellie Kemper, Rob Lowe

Screenplay: Kate Angelo, Jason Segel, Nicholas Stoller

94 mins. Rated R for strong sexual content, nudity, language and some drug use.

 

Sometimes an actor or actress is a part of a film so bad that it really jars your experience of everything they do after for a long time. For Cameron Diaz, that film was The Other Woman. I really didn’t want to see Sex Tape. I didn’t want to get hurt again. When I finally did get around to it, I was pleasantly wrong in my assumption of it.

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Sex Tape is the story of Annie (Diaz, There’s Something About Mary, Annie) and Jay (Jason Segel, TV’s How I Met Your Mother, This is 40), two lovebirds who feel like the magic has gone from their sex life. So they do what all-too-many celebrities do when the spark is gone: make a sex tape! They do, and Jay promises to delete it after. He doesn’t, and instead activates a program on his ipad which syncs it to every other ipad in his cloud. Jay gives out his old ipads to neighbors, families, and friends, so now everyone who wants to can witness the erotic masterpiece. Now, Annie and Jay have to get back all the sex tape copies before their mutual copulation becomes public domain!

Jake Kasdan (Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story, Bad Teacher) creates some interesting work, and while it doesn’t always work, it is certainly worth a viewing. Sex Tape has a lot of humor and a lot of emotional truths that should hit a lot of relationships. Much of the humor lands nicely, but not all of it. There are some great over-the-top moments, like the sex book that the two decide to mimic for their tape, and the drug-fueled tirade Annie gets into with potential new boss Hank (Rob Lowe, TV’s The West Wing, Killing Kennedy). I like that this film gets into its own minutiae and creates conflict based on little errors in judgment.

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Sex Tape isn’t a perfect film. Far from it. It is, however, one of the finer comedies of the year and worth much more recognition than Diaz’s previous work with The Other Woman. We will call it performance redemption.

 

3/5

-Kyle A. Goethe

5

Mom’s Night Out (2014)

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Director: Andrew Erwin, Jon Erwin

Cast: Sarah Drew, Sean Astin, Patricia Heaton, Andrea Logan White, Robert Amaya, Harry Shum, Jr., Abbie Cobb, David Hunt, Trace Adkins

Screenplay: Jon Erwin, Andrea Gyertson Nasfell

98 mins. Rated PG for mild thematic elements and some action.

 

What an awful movie. My review of Mom’s Night Out needs very little, so let’s jump in.

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Mom’s Night Out is all about Allyson (Sarah Drew, TV’s Grey’s Anatomy, Wieners), a mom who needs a night out. Fair enough. She, along with friends (who are also moms) Sondra (Patricia Heaton, TV’s Everybody Loves Raymond, Space Jam) and Izzy (Andrea Logan White, Sarah’s Choice, Revelation Road 2: The Sea of Glass and Fire), decide to go out on the town, leaving their inept husbands (among them Sean Astin, TV’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers) to care for the children. Well, things go downhill from there. From an accident involving dinner reservations to a kidnapped baby changing more hands than I can count, the woman must survive the night, and we as viewers must survive the film.

This is one of the longest and most cliché boredom crunchers in recent memory. These characters are horribly dumb, and a little sexist if you ask me. This movie pushes the idea that women can only be mothers and men can’t care for children. The plot rambles on like Dennis Miller, but is much less interesting than previously thought possible. I should point out that not once in the film does anybody appear actually terrified that a human baby is missing and possibly in very great danger.

The acting is dreadful as well. I thought there was a chance for Sean Astin, but I feel like the hobbit has fallen very far from the tree here. When I found myself hoping that Trace Adkins would save this film was when I realized I was in trouble.

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I can’t say much more than this. This movie comes about as close to The Other Woman’s terribleness as possible. Really, skip this movie. Don’t give it your time because, trust me, 98 minutes can take a lifetime.

 

1/5

-Kyle A. Goethe

 

So what did you think of Andrew and Jon Erwin’s Mom’s Night Out? Did you get the night off or were you working to stay interested? Let me know!

 

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The Other Woman (2014)

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Director: Nick Cassavetes

Cast: Cameron Diaz, Leslie Mann, Kate Upton, Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, Nicki Minaj, Taylor Kinney, Don Johnson

Screenplay: Melissa Stack

109 mins.  Rated PG-13 for mature thematic material, sexual references and language.

 

The Other Woman is the story of Carly (Cameron Diaz, There’s Something About Mary, Annie), an underdeveloped character who has just scored the man of her dreams in Mark King (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, TV’s Game of Thrones, Oblivion), until she discovers that she is being played when she meets Mark’s wife Kate (Leslie Mann, Knocked Up, Rio 2). The two create an unlikely (try impossible) bond over the fact that they are both still digging Mark even though they should hate him, which they also kind of do. The plot (if you can call it that) thickens when they discover another mistress (Kate Upton, The Three Stooges, Tower Heist) and the three of them join up to take vengeance in a strange mixture of Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants and Saw. Pretty much, yeah.

I recall seeing the trailer for The Other Woman some time ago, and thinking about how much this movie was going to disappoint, particularly because I used to think Cameron Diaz was funny and I still usually find Leslie Mann to be a real treat. I think Nikolaj Coster-Waldau has some major chops from his performance in HBO’s Game of Thrones and films like Mama. This film is nothing like these previous works in that I liked the previously mentioned works.

THE OTHER WOMAN

Cameron Diaz plays her way through this movie as one of the most unlikable characters in her kind of situation, and Leslie Mann acts as though she is trying to act in a musical from the 1950s. Everything is overdone. Boobs McGee, or (you may recognize her stage name more, Kate Upton) has a body and a voice for silent pictures, and she has the acting skills of a mop handle. Her function in this film is to convince husbands to see it. Don’t be fooled by the breasts behind the curtain, moviegoers, it just isn’t worth it.

Nicki Minaj (Ice Age: Continental Drift) is in this piece of horseshit as well. She had trouble acting her way through a Lonely Island music video. Everything she says falls flat and without resonance. Someone throw a tomato at this clown and get her off the stage.

Even Don Johnson (TV’s Miami Vice, Django Unchained) isn’t spared from the terrible acting virus, though it is hard to blame him. I imagine the conversation with his agent went something like this: “Wait! You’re telling me I can bone Kate Upton in this picture? I’ll take it!” This coming from a major fan of Miami Vice, too.

The music sounds like someone grabbed Now 51 off the shelf and put it into iMovie.

Such a skilled director as Nick Cassavetes (The Notebook, My Sister’s Keeper) behind the camera, you’d think something better could be said here, but unfortunately, he just doesn’t have a handle on the bogus screenplay. Go home, Nick, you’re drunk.

And on the subject of screenplays, this one is a doozy. It is almost as if they finished a rough draft and forgot to do the rewrite where they actually add in the humor. The entire film finally shreds to nothing by the finale, a bloated, overly out there ending that involves not one, but two breakaway gas gags and the biggest nosebleed I have ever witnessed on camera. It was a dumb idea that got turned into a dumb screenplay that got turned into a dumb movie.

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The Other Woman is hands down one of the worst movies I have ever seen, and it is a big contender for worst film of 2014, folks, please stay away from this one. In fact, burn all copies you may come across.

 

1/5

-Kyle A. Goethe

 

So what did you think of The Other Woman? Was it an affair to remember or did you feel cheated? Let me know!

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