[12 Days of Christmas] On the Sixth Day… Santa Claws (2014)


Director: Glenn Miller

Cast: Ezra James Colbert, Nicola Lambo, John P. Fowler

Screenplay: Anna Rasmussen

86 mins. Rated TV-PG.


Santa Claus is seen in a lot of unique ways in film, but this one seems to me like the most terrible. This Santa Claus (John P. Fowler) is allergic to cats and (his words, not mine) The Jews.

Tommy (Ezra James Colbert, The Spongebob Movie: Sponge Out of Water) and his mother Julia (Nicola Lambo, Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus, Atlas Shrugged: Who is John Galt?) do not celebrate Christmas. Julia had, as a child, been horribly traumatized by Santa Claus and therefore doesn’t celebrate the holiday. She has, in fact, turned into the Grinch. But the family’s talking kittens Patches, Mittens, and Hairball (truly inspired names) have accidently and horribly injured St. Nick and now must finish his deliveries in time for Christmas Day or Santa will forever lose his magic.


First of all, what’s the deal with the mother? Is she actually going to tell her child that he cannot have a Christmas tree? Her “traumatic” event isn’t even traumatic. I could understand if your Mogwai turned into a bunch of Gremlins on Christmas Eve and terrorized your town. I probably wouldn’t celebrate the holidays then, but to do so because she got scared of Santa years earlier? C’mon! The acting doesn’t help either.

Then there’s Tommy. Somebody ground this spoiled little shit. Seriously.

Did I touch on anti-Semite Santa? Oh yeah, he’s allergic to The Jews. What part of the Jewish human causes Santa to sneeze. Sounds like a little bit of racism and hate-smashing to me.

Let’s not forget the fact that the cats in this film occasionally have moving mouths when they talk, while other times it comes across as some sort of telepathic link. It comes off as really annoying.

This movie looks stupid, its characters and performances are really terrible, its message is buried beneath less-than-subpar antics in which most of the characters come off as super-creepy.


Can I just end this? It sucked. Skip this holiday anti-classic!



-Kyle A. Goethe

[12 Days of Christmas] On the Fourth Day… The Santa Clause (1994)


Director: John Pasquin

Cast: Tim Allen, Judge Reinhold, Eric Lloyd, Wendy Crewson, David Krumholtz, Peter Boyle

Screenplay: Leo Benvenuti, Steve Rudnick

97 mins. Rated PG for a few crude moments.


Killing Santa is kind of morbid. Very few can get through an event like that and still be likable. Scott Calvin (Tim Allen, TV’s Home Improvement, Toy Story 3) tries his best to overcome that nasty hurdle. That is, until he discovers The Santa Clause, a decree that if Santa is killed, one must take up the red coat and beard and continue the job. While this news excites Scott’s son Charlie (Eric Lloyd, Batman & Robin, Chromeskull: Laid to Rest 2), it certainly frightens Scott as well as his ex-wife Laura (Wendy Crewson, Air Force One, Antiviral) and her new husband Neil (Judge Reinhold, Beverly Hills Cop, Dr. Dolittle: Million Dollar Mutts), who both believe that Scott is losing his grip on reality in order to make his son believe in Santa. As Scott continues his transformation into St. Nick in time for the next Christmas Eve, he must come to grips with this new reality and try to salvage his life as Scott Calvin with his life as Kris Kringle.


The Santa Clause is very much a nice piece of cheese. I end up watching it every year around this time because it’s just a lot of fun. Tim Allen has a lot of fun with this role, keeping it all light-hearted even though the film itself could come off rather morbid. The supporting characters in Crewson and Reinhold ride the line of asshole vs. caring human nicely. Eric Lloyd doesn’t provide much, but his career proves that enough.

The screenplay is rather fun, though the film has definitely aged. It looks aged, but it still is a treat to watch. This Disney film is quite imaginative while also being slightly more grounded than it needed to be. Most of all, The Santa Clause is a movie about responsibility. It’s about taking up your baggage and understanding that the person you need to be may not be the person you wanted to be.


Worth a couple laughs indeed.



-Kyle A. Goethe

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