[31 Days of Horror Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan] Day 22 – Urban Legends: Bloody Mary (2005)

Director: Mary Lambert
Cast: Kate Mara, Robert Vito, Tina Lifford, Ed Marinaro, Lillith Fields
Screenplay: Michael Dougherty, Dan Harris
93 mins. Rated R for strong violence and gore, drug use and some language.

It’s interesting to note that there are a few different fledgling horror franchises that took the supernatural route for their third installment, ultimately sending them direct-to-video in the process. One of them was I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer, and another more well-known one is Urban Legends: Bloody Mary. The latter is much less egregious of a turn for the franchise, choosing a more anthological route for the series. Let’s see if it helped.

Back in 1969, a horrible act on prom night causes the death of Mary Banner (Lillith Fields, Tracker, Treasure State). Thirty-five years later, the story of Mary Banner has been passed around into urban legend as the fabled Bloody Mary. Samantha Owens (Kate Mara, Fantastic 4, TV’s A Teacher) and her friends tell their version of the story at a sleepover, but when the morning comes, the girls have gone missing. When they find their way home, they discover that the bullies they believe responsible for the “prank” are being picked off, one by one. Or is there a larger reason for the deaths?

The first two Urban Legend films are heavily influenced by the slashers of the 90s, but this third installment goes in a completely different direction, aiming toward ripping off the J-horror remakes like The Ring and The Grudge. This is the most obvious and notably lazy element of the film, but it is not the only aspect to be completely stolen from better films. I saw a lot of Prom Night II here along with bits and pieces of Final Destination (the influence of music and Rube Goldberg-style deaths) along with A Nightmare on Elm Street (the back-from-death killer searching out the children of those who wronged her). Add in that, some poor writing, acting, directing and a heavy dose of lazy CGI, and you have Bloody Mary. It’s frustrating to see a film without any new ideas being placed in a once-innovative series of horror films.

I’m actually completely fine with the shift into supernatural horror, but this film just didn’t accomplish the task. I would’ve loved to see them turn the series into standalone anthology-like films covering each of the urban legends that influenced the killers in the first two films. It would’ve been a pretty cool cinematic universe a few years before it became the IT thing to do in Hollywood. If they had done something interesting with the legend of Bloody Mary by taking their favorite elements of the story and setting it within the framework of the first two films, tying it into the locations and characters that we know from the previous films, you maybe could see something fascinating come out of this series, but we never get that, and the film is rather forgettable. I’ve seen it three times since 2005, and I struggle to remember any of it after more than a few days.

Kate Mara underwhelms as Sam. Unfortunately, she isn’t written all that well, and her character is dull and dumb, so I’m not even sure if she could’ve improved the material. I like her in most everything else, but I can’t see anything good in her performance or the character in general.

Director Mary Lambert (Pet Sematary, Presumed Dead in Paradise) was disappointed in the decision to move this release to direct-to-video, but I don’t see anyway this film would’ve ended up in theaters. The CGI is atrocious, and her direction is abysmal. It’s weird to see the director of Pet Sematary make such a lackluster and lazy effort. She wanted to deal with the date-rape elements of the narrative in an interesting way, but she doesn’t do that. She has these strange sequences like three teenage girls having a pillow fight at a sleepover and then telling the legend of Bloody Mary and seeing her in the mirror, and then they don’t actually use a mirror when they conjure her. In fact, does anyone actually utilize the actual legend of Bloody Mary in the finished project? I don’t think so.

Urban Legends: Bloody Mary is a supremely dull movie experience. I had convinced myself that it wasn’t that bad as I was watching it, and I even initially thought about what I would score a film that is bad but not offensively so. The more I think about it, though, the more I realize that there isn’t anything good in this movie, so I will give it the most deserving score of a indefensible movie. I’m just happy that I never have to watch it again.

1/5
-Kyle A. Goethe

  • For my review of Jamie Blanks’s Urban Legend, click here.
  • For my review of John Ottman’s Urban Legends: Final Cut, click here.

[SPOILER CHAT!] Spider-Man: Far From Home (2019)

Hey Hey!

We are here to talk a few of the Spoilers for Spider-Man: Far From Home. If you came here by accident, click here to see my Spider-Man: Far From Home non-spoiler review.

Okay, you’ve been warned.

SPOILERS BELOW!

 

IRON MAN DEEP CUT

It’s great to see Peter Billingsley (of A Christmas Story) pop up again after appearing in an incredibly-small capacity in the first Iron Man. What I enjoy is how they were able to use a pre-existing character in a way that forever changes the way we will watch Iron Man, and that’s pretty damn cool.

 

BARF

So BARF was featured in Civil War as a system designed to use drone technology to create visual planes that one could interact with. I’m excited to rewatch Civil War to see how it plays into Quentin Beck’s master plan, which was a great reveal. I would have liked to have seen an interaction between Stark and Beck, but I get it. I love when films do this, using created lore to build upon. It seems that many of Spider-Man’s villains are tied to Tony Stark, furthering the mentor motif with the sins of the Father being visited upon by the Son.

 

AVENGERS TOWER

So there is a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it shot of Avengers Tower, which has apparently been sold, seen at the end of the film that has a sign on it saying “We Can’t Wait to Show You What Comes Next” with the numbers “1-2-3-?” on it. Many have speculated at the fun of this nod to Phase 4, but part of me questions if Phase 4 is all that they’ve been hinting at here. Who bought the building? There’s two ideas that come to mind.

I don’t recall seeing any reference to OsCorp yet in this Spider-Man iteration, so could it have been Norman Osborn. Let’s question why we haven’t seen Harry Osborn yet. Was he not Blipped and aged 5 years right into Peter’s class and we just haven’t been introduced to him yet?

On the other hand, what if it becomes The Baxter Building, thus introducing us to the Fantastic 4. I know that Kevin Feige has said we won’t see them in the MCU for some time, but what if this was thrown in real quick as a sly introduction. “1-2-3-?” could be referencing them. Even if it takes years to see them introduced, this would be a fun little send-up.

Whoever bought Avengers Tower would have to have a lot of money at their disposal, and it was purchased years before we saw it in Far From Home, so anything could be possible.

 

NO STAN

I figured we would get some Stan Lee overt reference, but no such luck. I’ve been claiming for a while that they would find a way to insert some Stan Lee material in each future MCU film, even as simple as a picture in the background, and maybe no one caught it, but I didn’t see anything either. That’s too bad, and hopefully they find a way to correct that in future films.

 

MID-CREDITS SCENE

Alright, so the mid-credits scene is literally the end of the movie, and it’s a pretty important ending that forever changes the way that Spider-Man’s story will be told.

So essentially, MJ and Peter and finishing their web-slinging date, and then, a news report comes on from none other than The Daily Bugle, in the MCU a podcast/internet radio show similar to Alex Jones apparently. J. Jonah Jameson appears, played once again by the legendary J.K. Simmons. There really is no one else to play him. He announces that Spider-Man is a killer and he has proof from Mysterio’s video feed. He also lets the video feed announce to the world that Spider-Man is PETER PARKER!

It’s an insane reveal that trumps the Aunt May reveal from Homecoming in every way. I’m not even sure how they will pick up the pieces of this moment going into Phase 4.

What’s crazy about this whole thing, too, is that J.K. Simmons is playing Jameson again. That’s the first time that has happened in the MCU, so it’s a big deal. What worries me is that it seemingly was done at the last second, so hopefully there’s more to the Jameson reveal than just the shock of it.

 

POST-CREDITS SCENE

The post-credits scene is probably the most shocking reveal of the whole movie and may confirm some of the theories about Avengers: Endgame, or it may not.

So, the scene begins with Nick Fury and Maria Hill discussing the events they’ve just been through, and then, all of a sudden, they both morph back into Talos and Soren from Captain Marvel. They’ve been Skrulls for who knows how long.

Fury is then revealed to be on a ship somewhere out in the galaxy, working with the Skrulls.

Now, let’s take this a piece at a time. In Captain Marvel, Fury is quoted as saying he doesn’t cut his sandwiches diagonally, something he later ends up doing in Avengers: Age of Ultron. Now, this could be a little continuity error, but why would anyone bring up sandwiches twice with a character like Fury. How often would Nick Fury eating a sandwich just happen to come up? That’s what makes it so interesting. I’m assuming that Talos has been Fury at least that far back.

Now, in Avengers: Endgame, many fans claimed to have seen Talos posing as a teacher in the background at the end of the film when Peter goes back to school. Now, I’ve looked at this footage in slow-mo, and I don’t think that’s Ben Mendelsohn. To back it up, IMDb has confirmed on their site of his appearance in Far From Home, even uncredited, but they have not done the same for Endgame. That doesn’t mean too much, but it is curious.

Going back to Infinity War, when Fury and Hill were dusted, does that mean it was Talos and Soren that got dusted? If so, did the real Fury and Hill survive The Blip, and will we see any of that time if they did?

During Far From Home, Fury/Talos is involved in a conversation concerning Kree sleeper cells on Earth, so does that have anything to do with why Talos is posing as Fury? There’s not much more to go on at this point, but it is interesting nonetheless.

Now, going to the second part of this reveal, where is Fury? It appears to be a ship or installation out in space working with the Skrulls. The question here is what would give Fury the ability to help the Skrulls and Talos the ability to help the humans. Outside of being cool, why wouldn’t Talos and Soren be on the ship and Fury be on Earth? What are they gaining by swapping?

Now, I’ve read some online about the installation being S.W.O.R.D., a command post operated as a space-version of S.H.I.E.L.D., which sounds cool, but forgive me if I have no idea what I’m talking about.

That sounds cool, and it kind of reaffirms the general belief that Phase 4 is going cosmic. If Fury is already out there, then it would stand that’s what is happening. Looking at the Avengers as they stand right now, there is Ant-Man, a character who can go subatomic, Doctor Strange, who can get all trippy, the Guardians, who exist out in space, Thor, who is out there with them presumably, and Captain Marvel, who is essentially a space cop. We also have Black Panther and Spider-Man, who I would assume would lead Earth-led stories, but who knows, and then there’s all the new characters we could potentially see. If makes a lot of sense.

 

These are my thoughts on Spider-Man: Far From Home. If you want my full review, just click here!

 

-Kyle A. Goethe

Eddie Murphy to Appear in Grumpy Old Men-Inspired Film Directed by Tim Story?

Deadline is reporting that Eddie Murphy is set to star in a new film based on the Walter Matthau-Jack Lemmon film Grumpy Old Men, to be directed by Tim Story and produced by John Davis.

The film remains untitled, and no one has been attached to play opposite Murphy at this point. Director Story recently wrapped Shaft and has also helmed the Ride Along films.

The original film featured Matthau and Lemmon as two elderly rivals who find themselves further torn apart when an attractive new neighbor moves in on their block.

My only question is whether this film will have any connection to the originals. If not, then I’m fine. I happen to love the original two films and watch them yearly around Christmas. Being a Minnesota native, they hold a special place in my heart.

In all fairness, though, I just don’t want this to be connected to a film I love so dearly because it sounds like a dud from the start. Eddie Murphy hasn’t had a great track record in a long time and, outside of his work with Shrek and Dreamgirls, he has been a part of mostly garbage. As far as Tim Story goes, I’ve never been interested or impressed by him. His work on Fantastic 4 continues to age poorly and his comedies have not interested me.

Maybe it just depends on who rounds out this cast. If they make some truly inspired casting choices for the other grumpy old man and the neighbor, I may change my mind. There’s also the question of how close this film will be to Grumpy Old Men. Will Eddie Murphy’s character have an even older senile father? A lot of questions to be answered, but right now, I couldn’t care less about this project…for now.

But what do you think? Are you excited at the prospect of Eddie Murphy in a Grumpy Old Men-like film? Who should play opposite of him. Let me know with a comment below, and don’t forget to like, comment, and subscribe!

 

-Kyle A. Goethe

 

 

For more Almighty Goatman,

Have You Seen the Trailer for Fant4Stic? It Was So…meh…

fantastic42015a

So the trailer for the reboot of the Fantastic 4 franchise released today! I saw it myself and the first thing I thought to myself. Wow, it looks a lot like Man of Steel. That isn’t really a compliment. This movie has a lot of convincing to do for me. I wasn’t all that impressed. First of all, the film’s tone is so dark. It doesn’t feel like the Fantastic Four at all. It feels like it is trying to be the X-Men franchise and The Dark Knight trilogy, but it just doesn’t seem to be.

What do you think, world? Will you be watching the Four become Fantastic this year? What is your favorite member of the Fantastic Four team? Let me know! See the trailer below:

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