Kyle’s Top Ten Worst Films of 2017

 

2017 is over, and as we hang for a moment on some of the best movies to come out of 2017, we must also take minute to recognize the stinkers. The real poopoo.

And there were a lot of stinkers. Here, today, I’ve put together my list of the ten films that I felt are the worst of the year. Keep in mind:

  • I didn’t see every bad movie in 2017. This is a list of the worst films I saw. I didn’t see The Emoji Movie. I just…I couldn’t.
  • This list includes films that were downright bad, but I also placed them on the list if they had wasted potential or were overall disappointing.

Alright, let’s get this over with…

 

(Dis)Honorable Mentions

The Mummy

The Mummy isn’t an absolutely terrible movie. My biggest frustration is that it has wasted potential and puts the cart before the horse. This movie isn’t a mummy movie. It’s like one of those prequel comic books that studios release before their actual movie. It suffers from being too much world-building when it should just be a good movie. Leave the world-building for post-credits scenes for now. It’s not a bad thing to use the Marvel model. But instead, they threw a bunch of shit at the wall to see what stuck. The other problem? This isn’t a horror film. It’s an action film. If you are doing a Dark Universe, make it scary or at least unnerving. This is a Tom Cruise vehicle that drives right off the cliff. And I’m pissed, because the Dark Universe can work.

 

Atomic Blonde

Atomic Blonde’s action set pieces are some of the best I’ve seen all year. The problem is when the action starts. Charlize Theron’s Lorraine Broughton is underdeveloped, it has too many villains (and not a single one compelling in the slightest), it’s twist is underserved, and the framing device is far more interesting than the story it is framing. The style works and the music choices make for a fun time, but when the spy plot doesn’t earn its reveals, it’s a big waste from start to finish, and this director and cast deserve a whole lot better than this.

 

  1. Rings

-I saw Rings early last year, and you know, there are some good scenes. Like 1% of the movie. The rest is convoluted boring dreck that isn’t scary, doesn’t update the mythology, and worst it all, doesn’t make any damn sense! Three opening scenes and none of them really work. A twist-ish of an ending that wasn’t interesting (and it was in the trailer). The plot points are clichés taken from better films and Samara isn’t compelling. It also ran on forever. Forever. Forever…Rings was, from beginning to end, a terrible movie, one that should’ve stayed unreleased.

 

  1. Snatched

-The cardinal sin of Snatched is that it’s just plain unfunny. I recall giggling slightly at the film’s final joke, and that gleefulness may have just been my knowledge that the film was coming to a close. I love Goldie Hawn but she gets overshadowed by the far less funny Amy Schumer. Overall, I waited for Snatched to get good. I waited a long time. But the movie was so strung together by a dull plot and unlikable characters that my waiting didn’t get me anywhere. Snatched is disappointingly unfunny.

 

  1. Rough Night

-Not only is Rough Night unfunny, it is a shell of a better plotline. We’ve seen this played out before in films like The Hangover and Very Bad Things, but those movies were funny. Rough Night is a rough watch because the story sets itself up for comedy that never shows up. Scarlett Johansson is woefully miscast and it almost feels like she is aware of that as she constantly appears bored. The rest of the cast play flat friend archetypes. Rough Night never seems to work and some of the comedy is so bad it feels cringe-worthy at times. It just doesn’t work.

 

  1. Fifty Shades Darker

Fifty Shades Darker learns nothing from its predecessor. It is supposed to be this erotic masterpiece of passion and sensuality, and it is so boring. The chemistry is virtually nonexistent, the plot has been done better in soap operas, and the ending. Dear God, the ending is so bad. I guess it shouldn’t surprise me, as the rest of the film was nothing to be happy about, but I felt as though James Foley on board as director was at least a good sign. Foley gets nothing to do with a shit screenplay from Niall Leonard based on a shit book from E.L. James. Garbage.

 

  1. Sleepless

Even Jamie Foxx couldn’t keep his mouth shut about how bad Sleepless is. For the sheer number of solid actors in this film, the movie is just…awful. I can’t blame you if you have no idea that Sleepless was even a movie in 2017, but it was, and I suffered through it so you wouldn’t have to. You’re welcome. Maybe the film would be even marginally likable if at least one character were marginally likable. Dirty cops, broken families, and a flat villain. I always say that you don’t need to have likable characters if they are at least interesting. Well, guess what? No one is that interesting here either. Skip it.

 

  1. The Bye Bye Man

The Bye Bye Man wastes Doug Jones. That’s just about the worst thing you can do. Doug Jones is magnificent, and when The Bye Bye Man is actually oscreen, he is pretty menacing, but a cliché, boring, laughably bad screenplay is the building block for your horror film, you are set up for failure. The first scene in the film is somewhat compelling, and then you put the pieces together, and then you hate it. Lastly, who the hell came up with this title? What a stupid creature name! Ugh.

 

  1. Rock Dog

-I remember nothing of Rock Dog. Good for me, bad for the film. Seriously, I recall thinking to myself the whole time that this was a shitty knockoff of Kubo and the Two Strings, and I sat there for far too long as the film sputtered and died in front of me. I have nothing more to say.

 

  1. Before I Fall

Before I Fall might be one of the funniest movies of the year. That being said, the comedy comes from all the serious parts of the film, and the moments meant to bring lightheartedness to the film are ugh-worthy. This poorly-plotted and simple take on the Groundhog Day/Edge of Tomorrow model is so melodramatic that I couldn’t sit still in my theater seat. I wanted so desperately for the film to be over. No one is likeable/no one is interesting.

 

  1. The Abduction of Jennifer Grayson

-The way this little indie portrays Stockholm Syndrome borders on the offensive, and that’s coming from a guy who is never offended. This shockingly stupid film stars James Duval of Independence Day fame. Oh, you don’t recognize his name? Yeah, there’s a reason for that. I watched The Abduction of Jennifer Grayson before going on a long trip out of town, and the trip felt like it took up less of my time than this movie. When you tuck yourself in at night, be thankful that you haven’t seen this pile of shit.

 

  1. All Eyez on Me

-Well, more proof that just because you look the part doesn’t mean you can act the part. All Eyez on Me runs over the two-hour mark but it feels like a Tupac miniseries that someone scrunched into a film and then dropped a deuce on. There is nothing to say of merit to this movie. Yes, Tupac uses an iPhone in this 90s-set biopic. Yes, Jada Pinkett Smith called out the film’s historical inaccuracy. Yes, it has cars from the 2000s in it. Beyond all the issues with the film from a technical aspect, I was flat-out bored from beginning to end here, and there’s not a single piece of this movie that would make it commendable. It’s the worst film of 2017.

 

 

So there it is. These are the worst films of 2017. I’m glad that’s over.

Is there something missing here? What did you think was the worst film of 2017? Let me know/Drop a comment below!

 

-Kyle A. Goethe

 

 

For more Almighty Goatman,

Kyle’s Top Ten Films of 2017

 

Hey folks, another year has come and gone and here we sit, at the end of it, looking back on what was. 2017 had some truly great films and I’m going to count down my top ten today.

Just a couple notes before we get into all this:

  • These are my personal top ten films of the year from the many I have seen. I judge the films from my list in their success as a film in what they are trying to accomplish.
  • I haven’t seen all the movies released in 2017. If you read this list and find that something is missing, let me know, drop a comment, and start the conversation. Everyone loves a good recommendation.
  • Due to some of the heavy-hitters of Oscar season still on the way, this is a tentative list and it will change as more limited release films open up.

There, with all that out of the way, my Top Ten Films of 2017.

 

  1. Wind River

-I was not entirely excited about Wind River. That’s not to say anything wrong about the marketing, but I didn’t know anything about it and, living in an area with intense cold several months of the year, I wasn’t all that interested to see it in the summer. Thankfully, my other plans fell through and I ended up at the theater. Wind River is the powerful tale of a murder on an Native American Reservation and the unlikely duo who team up to solve the mystery. It’s been said a lot but this is Jeremy Renner’s best performance of his entire career. Screenwriter Taylor Sheridan (Hell or High Water, Sicario) jumps into the director’s chair this time around and crafts a tightly-paced and shocking look at these characters and their world. It’s emotional, exciting and thought-provoking in every stroke.

 

  1. Star Wars: The Last Jedi

The Last Jedi is an incredible new addition to the Star Wars lore for the simple fact that it surprised me. I haven’t been genuinely surprised in a Star Wars film since The Empire Strikes Back. Writer/Director Rian Johnson created a follow-up that subverts expectations while simultaneously honoring what has come before and driving forward on a new path. Not everyone loved it (someone once said that the people who hate Star Wars the most are the fans) but I enjoyed it for all the reasons that others didn’t love it. It’s exciting, emotional, and funny, and I cannot wait to see it again.

 

  1. Thor: Ragnarok

-With Thor: Ragnarok, Director Taika Waititi and Marvel Studios have given the public the closest thing to a new Flash Gordon that we are likely to get. A rollicking 80s road-trip style space movie with everyone’s favorite god of thunder and his pal the Incredible Hulk,  Ragnarok embodies the best of what the MCU has to offer, an incredibly fun and riveting blast of a film that stands on its own while contributing to a larger narrative. In Hela, we get an interesting villain with ties to Thor, and new characters like The Grandmaster, the Valkyrie, and Korg keep the thrills light and fluffy.

 

  1. Okja

Okja is one of the best films that Netflix has ever released. It is a strange tale, a unique tale, a funny-at-times tale, and a heartfelt tale. It’s the story of a girl and her superpig Okja. The company that created Okja , Mirando, has invested a lot of money in crafting a creature that is environmentally conscious with a minimal carbon footprint that tastes great, and now they plan on harvesting Okja to make billions for themselves, but Mija is not about to let the company take her friend. The film is one of the weirdest I’ve seen in a long time, but thanks to top-notch directing from Writer/Director Bong Joon-Ho from a great screenplay by him and Jon Ronson, Okja is a powerful ride from beginning to end.

 

  1. Dunkirk

Dunkirk is a film made for the theater experience. I was lucky that a colleague of mine got tickets to the 70mm/IMAX presentation and I was floored by the majesty of it all. The scenes in the air were breathtaking. The sequences on the beach were thrilling. The scenes on the boat were emotional. The whole film experience was astounding. Then, I watched it again when it hit home video. The film is still exhilarating. Even with the loss of the massive screen, this is a tightly-packed narrative that has so much going on but still feels so focused.

 

  1. Blade Runner 2049

-Who would’ve guessed that a sequel to a cult classic sci-fi thriller would be good? Blade Runner 2049 is even better than the original! How the hell did that happen? Director Denis Villeneuve (Arrival, Sicario) takes what works about the original film and crafts a companion piece that stands on its own and connects really nicely to the original film. Blade Runner and its sequel become two sides of the same coin, a breathtaking double-feature that is well worth the lengthy runtime. Harrison Ford returns as Deckard and joins Ryan Gosling’s Agent K, providing some of the best work in either of their careers.

 

  1. Lady Bird

-Greta Gerwig directs Lady Bird with such realism that it brought me back to a time in my youth when I was very much like Saoirse Ronan’s Christine. This incredible coming-of-age story feels like it’s the first of its kind in a world where dozens of similar films are released each year. The terrific chemistry between Christine and her mother is palpable and real. The film wanders through Lady Bird’s life as she encounters situations that many of us have been through in this interesting semi-autobiographical look at adolescence from a fantastic up-and-coming director.  I can’t wait to see what she does next.

 

  1. War for the Planet of the Apes

-How the hell did Planet of the Apes craft one of the best trilogies of all time? How does that happen? Matt Reeves takes on his second film in this franchise following Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, and after having seen a few times, I can honestly say that War tops it. Andy Serkis is an actor who deserves performance credit for his role as the immensely complex Caesar, and he is matched on the battlefield by the chameleon that is Woody Harrelson, a man that can be joyful in one instant and terrifying in the next. Matt Reeves should be considered one of the hottest acts in Hollywood right now for his recent track record, and I look forward to his take on The Batman (if it ever does happen).

 

  1. The Big Sick

The Big Sick has been a critical darling since it was released in early 2017. The story, based on true events, is a dramedy based on the relationship of Kumail Nanjiani and his wife Emily. The movie mixes emotion and comedy to present one of the best and truest representations of love I’ve ever seen. The performances in it are all fantastic, especially Holly Hunter and Ray Romano as Emily’s parents. The Big Sick has a lot of award consideration and I’d be more than happy to see it take away some Oscars when the time comes as it hasn’t had a wide viewing outside of the general film community, and a few statues may help with that.

 

  1. The Shape of Water

-I hadn’t even heard of The Shape of Water at the beginning of 2017. In fact, it was only during an interview for The Bye Bye Man that Doug Jones even dropped he was working on a fish romance film with Guillermo del Toro that I even knew of the film’s existence but little else. Thankfully, late last year I was able to catch a screening for the film, and I just fell in love with it. I had always said that Pan’s Labyrinth would likely be del Toro’s masterpiece, but The Shape of Water is just so personal and lovely and strange and beautiful that I couldn’t get it out of my mind long after my initial viewing. Doug Jones, like Andy Serkis, won’t garner awards recognition for his work here and that’s a shame. Thankfully, Sally Hawkins, Richard Jenkins, and Michael Shannon turn in career-topping work here and the film is getting a lot of talk now. See this movie. It’s the best film of 2017.

 

Well, there you have it. These are my favorite films of the year. I look forward to #2018oscardeathrace to begin, and I may see a few favorites get knocked off as I continue catching up on what I missed in 2017, but overall, it was another great year for films. We’ll see you in 2018 (which is like, right now).

 

-Kyle A. Goethe

 

 

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[Early Review] Insidious: The Last Key (2018)

Director: Adam Robitel

Cast: Lin Shaye, Leigh Whannell, Angus Sampson, Josh Stewart, Caitlin Gerard

Screenplay: Leigh Whannell

103 mins. Rated PG-13 for disturbing thematic content, violence and terror, and brief strong language.

 

The Insidious franchise is now four films in, and the newest installment, The Last Key, had me a little concerned when it was bumped back to January, oftentimes the graveyard of shitty horror films. I happen to be a big fan of this franchise, and I want to see it continue with more well-received reception. So I entered the theater with some trepidation tonight.

Shortly after the events of Chapter 3, Elise (Lin Shaye, There’s Something About Mary, Abattoir) and her newly-formed team of Specs (Leigh Whannell, Saw, The Bye Bye Man) and Tucker (Angus Sampson, Mad Max: Fury Road, TV’s Shut Eye) are drawn into a new case set in Five Keys, New Mexico. Elise initially turns down the case when she discovers that the house being haunted is her childhood home, a place with horrific memories from Elise’s past, but she quickly realizes that she has a responsibility to help others, and her team sets off on a trip through Elise’s past, where she will encounter familiar entities and new horrors.

The great thing about the newest installment in this franchise is the focus on the character of Elise. It’s become quite clear after four films that the star of the series is Lin Shaye, and choosing to further develop her is a terrific idea, as much as I’m turned away by the prequel aspect of the recent two films. Shaye’s performance is a powerhouse of the genre, and we spend a lot of the film focused on her inner demons, particularly surrounding the relationship with her father, Gerald (Josh Stewart, Interstellar, War Machine).

The big feeling I felt leaving the theater was one of calmness, though, and the lack of true terror in the film is noticeable. The previous installments all kept me close to my seat, but The Last Key is missing a lot of that. While there are indeed some incredible moments in the film, there just isn’t enough to spur up any actual dread. Diehard horror fanatics may find themselves unfulfilled in this respect.

Thankfully, director Adam Robitel (The Taking of Deborah Logan) keeps the pace moving and the plot thread twisting and turning enough to make the movie interesting, but it just isn’t all that scary.

Insidious: The Last Key is a classic fourth installment, searching for a place of purpose and struggling to find a tone. The film is entertaining and I think it will please fans of the series looking to unravel the mystery, but the general public and hardcore horror hounds may not find this scary enough to please.

 

2.5/5

-Kyle A. Goethe

 

 

For my review of James Wan’s Insidious, click here.

For my review of Leigh Whannell’s Insidious: Chapter 3, click here.

 

For more Almighty Goatman,

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